Rest - Part 4 - Restfulness as a posture of the mind and heart

I think that I have re-discovered, that in part, restfulness, is a posture of our minds and heart.

What stresses us, what feels demanding, is heavily influenced by our interpretations, our ways of thinking about the world, and the things we love and desire.

I've noted before that my exhaustion is in part caused by an overwhelming sense of responsibility. I even constructed a list that seems like good solid objective evidence that I have big responsibilities.

But as I meditated this morning, the question that came into my mind is, "what are you actually responsible for?"

In my practice, am I responsible for outcomes? I think I know better than to try "fixing" people, but do I still expect myself to produce changes in people through my skills and determination? Do I have to accept all the pressure from others to accomplish certain things in my professional work?

In my role as a father, am I responsible for ensuring my kids turn out a certain way?

What about life in general; is it my responsibility for how things turn out?

How much of the responsibility I feel is unwarranted, unhealthy, unachievable, and unnecessary?

Everyday we're surrounded by messages of expectation about creating our own little personal empires, about setting goals and making them happen.

What is my true responsibility to others... to my self... to God?

How much of my stress, my restlessness, my chronic angst is a product of responsibility run amok?

How much of my sense of responsibility is in actuality an idol, a place where I worship my own illusions of independence, competence, and desire to transcend human limitations?

Last night I had a dream that I could fly. I was flying over my house, my workplace...I was completely euphoric. It didn't take me very long after waking up to understand what it meant. I'm constantly trying to live in excess of my human limits...like living a life that involves flying. And I revel in my illusions that I'm more than human.

Perhaps I'm not the only who does this? Perhaps others join me in going too fast, expecting to much, and never being okay living inside the boundaries of human limits?

Maybe this is why the curse Adam suffers for trying to be like God in the creation story, is that he'll have to toil and labor the rest of his life. Is the story telling us that our efforts to be more than human end up dehumanizing us in the form of bondage to work?

Is that quality of restfulness that I'm seeking, at least in part to be found in submitting to being human, and not trying to take God's place in the world?

If restlessness in part is a product of idolatry, how much more restfulness is to be found in a proper relationship between myself and the Creator? A relationship in which my sense of responsibility is always viewed through the lens of what God asks of me, rather than keeping up with my own grandiose sense of what I should be able to do?

What if I stopped expecting myself to be super-human...and became satisfied with just being human...just being who God created me to be, and wants me to be in this particular moment?

If my ego wasn't driving me so hard, could I be restful, even in the midst of circumstances which seem demanding and stressful, because I could recognize what is truly expected of me?

If the posture of our minds and hearts were right, could we find restfulness without changing very much of the other external elements of our lives?

Rest - Part 3 - Confusing Restlessness with Ambition

I've always associated being restless as just a synonym for agitation, boredom, or under-stimulated.

When I started thinking deeply about rest, I realized that rest-less-ness is more than agitation. It's that state of not being rested, or perhaps even, unable to rest. 

And I always considered myself ambitious - which I thought was a good quality. But I'm starting to wonder if I've sometimes confused ambition with restlessness. I've put a positive spin on the difficulty of finding rest by labeling it in my own head as ambition; a quality our culture admires and praises. I'm even pretty good at appearing to make it not about myself, by making my "ambition" a spiritual quest to do good in the world. If there's a real danger to our thinking about living God's mission on earth, I think it's that we can quickly take the theology and make it a justification for trying to be spiritual superheros.

But I'm not just ambitious, I'm restless.

Chronically restless.

My conscious mind may not always recognize it, but clearly when I listen to the clanging of my semi-conscious thoughts, the truth is, I'm restless and revved up. When I sit and try to be still, I'm inundated with all the things I should be doing instead.

These things I should be doing?...usually they fall under the heading of "responsibilities".

I have lots of things I'm responsible for. My chosen profession puts me in place of high responsibility for the care of lots of people. I have a business to manage. I have kids. I have a mortgage. I have retirement to save for. I'm trying to change my lifestyle and prevent health issues down the road. I have friends and neighbors I take care of. I have a church that wants to see me use my gifts to bless them.  I have a deep conviction that the way most of middle class folks live is unsustainable and problematic for the 2/3 rds world and future generations...and a profound sense that I should be doing something significant about that.

It became crystal clear to me after being away from my normal life for two weeks this winter that things in my world have become too complicated and involve too much responsibility. Or at least, it feels that way.

And yet at the same time I have this compulsion to take on more. Even to take on new responsibilities. I say no to lots of requests...I'm not that guy who feels guilty for turning people down (usually). But I am the type of person bursting with creative energy, always wanting to take on new projects, start new things, and, if I haven't admitted to it already on this blog, save the world.

So it seems that a part of my difficulty resting is having too much responsibility. There are too many demands on my time, energy, resources...and admitting that I need a break from some of it is hard to do.

In the last few months, I've taken some steps to simplify, to shed unnecessary projects, to slow down.

But the tension I struggle with is an inward drive against my efforts to simplify and slow down.

Every time I try to stop doing and allow myself to just "be", my mind kicks in with a new set of efforts and ideas that I want to pursue.

Even just reflecting on rest has me thinking about how to elaborate these ideas into writing a book. Which ends up making my pursuit of rest into a project filled with activity.

So I think I've realized that part of my journey is making some structural changes to my life, including adding some practices that promote rest. Some of it might require me to pull back even more and allow myself to just be a person, rather than all of the other roles I perform.

But I'm also becoming aware that resting will require some internal changes. Changes in my own inner world, and this apparent compulsion I have to activity. Restlessness, not Ambition.

Creation Care

I'll be getting back to writing about rest shortly....I've been busy prepping talks for Hillside Church, but plan to get back to writing soon.

You can hear my first talk on Creation Care, here:

http://www.hillsidelondon.com/sermons/creation-care/

Peace.

David.