Anyone else have this experience yesterday?
I woke up angry. Angry, because 3 inches of snow had fallen while I slept.
Now I know it's not entirely rational to be pissed off about lousy weather.
I feel a little justified when I think of how awful it's been for five, going on 6 months, when we first got 18 inches of snow in mid-November, that never, went, away.
But it's actually totally irrational to be angry about it. Just who am I angry at?
I find myself feeling rage towards those little "low pressure" icons that come on screen during the weather forecast. I feel as though some unseen cosmic force is punishing us for now reason.
It seems unfair that our weather is so oppressive, whilst the good people of San Diego live in constant 70 degree tranquility.
But as soon as the word "unfair" comes to mind, it tells me a little more of the back story that's taking place in mind.
You see, that assumption that I "deserve" certain kinds of weather and that the world's failure to deliver on said expectations is "unfair", really betrays the sense of entitlement I have about how the universe is supposed to treat me.
At the same time I've been having these weird (but apparently not serious) health issues, which may be related to a genetic predisposition. As I sat in the doctor's office waiting room surrounded by patients much older than me, I had that same sense of unfairness. "Why is this happening to me? Why did I lose in the genetic lottery on this trait?"
And like 2 x 4 to the head it hits me. I expect to be treated better than other people. I think I'm special and deserve the best.
Now that might surprise those of you who know me. It sure surprises me. I'm no valley girl who thinks daddy owes her a BMW...but somewhere deep in my subconscious... I still have this sense that I'm entitled to a better life than other people.
If I really just stop for moment and think, it would appear that I did very well in the genetic lottery. The truth is, it's probably closer to fair that I should have bunch of predispositions to health issues to make up for all the undeserved priviliges my genes have afforded me in 36 years. Not to mention the astounding good fortune to be born in a country with access to clean drinking water, education, health care, safety, loving parents...
And even if the weather has been a struggle, I have the good fortune to not live in a desert, or have my home wrecked by tsunami, hurricane, earthquake, tornado, monsoon, or any of the other extremes that cause terrible suffering. I can even mitigate the suffering my snow-hell causes with a furnace and clothes and all the conveniences of middle class life.
So I feel angry and entitled, but I also feel ashamed.
It's not to say that I haven't had some suffering...but my response to the suffering, anger, the expectation that I should not suffer in any way, shape, or form...that's what I'm ashamed of.
The attitude that God's done me wrong for allowing me to suffer....
... I guess I'm just more deeply infused with the thinking of my culture than I'd like to admit.
