It takes a village to raise a marriage

I had a weird reaction the other day when I took my girls to Disney on Ice. 

Maybe it was the euphoria of thousands of children giving me some kind of energy.

Maybe it was the joy of my own daughters being thrilled by something.

Maybe it was just that old Disney magic.

Nope. I think I figured it out. 

It happened during a scene from Beauty and the Beast. The skating figures were re-enacting the part where various characters from the castle (a clock, a candlestick, a tea cup, a tea pot - all of which are given human qualities and talk) are interacting with Belle and the Beast. What got me was the way these characters were going back and forth between the two young lovers helping them negotiate their way through a typical relational issue. Of course, as is true of so many fairy tales, the issue centers around a simple misunderstanding. But it struck me, that so much of what confounds us in marriages starts with simple misunderstandings and the hurt feelings that follow. 

Wisely, the characters around Belle and the Beast attempt to help them see the misunderstanding that has taken place, and encourage openness to reconsidering how things "really are". 

My emotional reaction to all of this was the beauty of having good friends surrounding a relationship and helping it along the way. When the Beast (fitting character eh?) is full of bluster and blow, his friends remind him of things that soften and open him to re-engaging his beloved.

I know divorce is complicated. I know the studies, and the host of explanations for our escalating divorce rates...most of which have good merit and explanatory power. I witness the ugliness of it in my day job. 

But this  I wonder;  what would our marriages (or our relationships in general for that matter) look like if all of us were surrounded by friends who helped us see, helped talk us down when we needed it? 

How much quicker would I be to break through the insularity of my own assumptions if I had friends intimately involved in my life, helping me to see that things are different than I believe them to be?

How much less time would I have wasted in my marriage being distant or angry, if a kind friend would remind me that my wife is not out to get me when she overfills the garbage bin (again). This doesn't have to be some kind of weird cult-like utopian society. A few months ago a friend of mine made an honest confession to me about his marriage, and it caused me to see how I too make a similar error. He didn't have to be a marriage counselor, just close enough to me, that authenticity could shed some light on my own life.

Beauty and the Beast reminds me of the importance of life together. That marriages might have a better chance in a marriage-hostile culture if we all lived in authentic community with each other. We might come to regard the "Beasts" in our lives differently if a nurturing community was along side of us reflecting on how our assumptions about each other fail us, and cause us to miss the beauty that lives in all of us.

A really nice piece by Ronnie Dunn that's worth a listen even if you have some irrational hatred of country music. I think it speaks for itself. Try feeling self-righteous after reading/listening to it. :)

Reluctant To Write

Why start a blog?

One friend made fun of me. "It's not 1998", he said, insinuating that I was 14 years behind and that the world had moved on.

Another was glad that I'd finally stuck my oar in the water. He thought I might have something worth writing about, and this might be a good first step.

I write with reluctance.

For one thing, I sort of hate drawing any attention to myself, so maybe I'll just keep this a secret.

When I sit down to write a cavalcade of thoughts comes rushing in...."why would anyone read this", "why would I think anyone would want to read this",... "writing is such a public committment to ideas...do you really believe anything so consistently or strongly that you want others to read it?",... "you don't believe what you're writing",.... "what will people think if you write that?".....and on and on it goes.

And yet, for years, I've felt compelled to write, but avoided it as often as I can.

I used to have fantasies of being a published author. A lot of the people I admire have written really interesting books. And I know that the written word has played a critical role in my own life and growth. Books, articles, blogs, they've been a catalyst for this transformation that has taken place in my life over the past few years.

Maybe there's a part of me that wants to tap into that. A hope that written words, that honest reflection and thinking could be useful in someone else's journey.

At the very least, it seems helpful to me. The act of writing seems to force me to be clear, to shake the cobwebs off my thoughts, so to speak.

So, I'll try it. The writing isn't the hardest part yet. The real risk comes with telling people about it.