I think that I have re-discovered, that in part, restfulness, is a posture of our minds and heart.
What stresses us, what feels demanding, is heavily influenced by our interpretations, our ways of thinking about the world, and the things we love and desire.
I've noted before that my exhaustion is in part caused by an overwhelming sense of responsibility. I even constructed a list that seems like good solid objective evidence that I have big responsibilities.
But as I meditated this morning, the question that came into my mind is, "what are you actually responsible for?"
In my practice, am I responsible for outcomes? I think I know better than to try "fixing" people, but do I still expect myself to produce changes in people through my skills and determination? Do I have to accept all the pressure from others to accomplish certain things in my professional work?
In my role as a father, am I responsible for ensuring my kids turn out a certain way?
What about life in general; is it my responsibility for how things turn out?
How much of the responsibility I feel is unwarranted, unhealthy, unachievable, and unnecessary?
Everyday we're surrounded by messages of expectation about creating our own little personal empires, about setting goals and making them happen.
What is my true responsibility to others... to my self... to God?
How much of my stress, my restlessness, my chronic angst is a product of responsibility run amok?
How much of my sense of responsibility is in actuality an idol, a place where I worship my own illusions of independence, competence, and desire to transcend human limitations?
Last night I had a dream that I could fly. I was flying over my house, my workplace...I was completely euphoric. It didn't take me very long after waking up to understand what it meant. I'm constantly trying to live in excess of my human limits...like living a life that involves flying. And I revel in my illusions that I'm more than human.
Perhaps I'm not the only who does this? Perhaps others join me in going too fast, expecting to much, and never being okay living inside the boundaries of human limits?
Maybe this is why the curse Adam suffers for trying to be like God in the creation story, is that he'll have to toil and labor the rest of his life. Is the story telling us that our efforts to be more than human end up dehumanizing us in the form of bondage to work?
Is that quality of restfulness that I'm seeking, at least in part to be found in submitting to being human, and not trying to take God's place in the world?
If restlessness in part is a product of idolatry, how much more restfulness is to be found in a proper relationship between myself and the Creator? A relationship in which my sense of responsibility is always viewed through the lens of what God asks of me, rather than keeping up with my own grandiose sense of what I should be able to do?
What if I stopped expecting myself to be super-human...and became satisfied with just being human...just being who God created me to be, and wants me to be in this particular moment?
If my ego wasn't driving me so hard, could I be restful, even in the midst of circumstances which seem demanding and stressful, because I could recognize what is truly expected of me?
If the posture of our minds and hearts were right, could we find restfulness without changing very much of the other external elements of our lives?
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