No Audience

I'm rather relieved to discover that hardly anyone actually reads this blog.

I was talking to another blogger who has had remarkable success in developing a "following" in a short period of time - well deserved, but also fairly strategic in spreading the word about his writing.

I had strange sense that I did not want to be "on stage", at least, not yet. I worry about how an audience changes you. I remember Ravi Zacharias and Rob Bell both talking about how they refused to add a TV component to their teaching ministries because they recognized that the camera changes people.

Just being aware of the fact that others are watching (or reading what you write) changes you. It tunes you in, it shifts your attention to thinking about how they are perceiving you and what their reactions are. We may say (and really mean) that we don't care what others think, but humans are complicated messy creatures, and as soon as we're aware that others are noticing, it's hard to believe that it doesn't shape our behavior or our words somehow.

It just happened to me right now....who would want to read about post about the dangers of writing things to impress other people? "Better not publish this",  I thought, "just leave it in the drafts folder".

Now, some might say this isn't entirely negative, and having to revise and self-edit can be quite helpful. Indeed being entirely immersed in one's own world without the feedback of others is often quite unhealthy. But some good thinkers have wisely pointed out how dangerous an audience can be, how tempting it can be to entertain and move from authenticity to performance. How troubling a thought this is when we consider how many people now live their daily lives "performing" on platforms like facebook, twitter, and the like. Maybe it isn't so consequential to be selective in choosing which holiday photos you post on facebook, in a manner aimed at making others believe you live a perfect and happy existence. But maybe some of this performing ends up eroding the authentic intimacy of our lives when we spend more time being the person others expect us to be than the person we really are. And perhaps even more seriously for those who write or teach about spiritual truth, there is the risk that we will write to entertain more than we will be honest with the complex, vexing nature of truth-seeking. 

And... I think it is even more dangerous when someone is in a formative period of their lives. I know that we're all on journeys, and our formation is ongoing, but I think there might be something to be said for certain highly formative periods, that need to occur without the temptation to become what you think will earn the praise of others, or even to develop an inner sense of pride in what you have said, or written, or done.

Jonathan Martin, a profound pentacostal thinker and teacher, writes in his book Prototype, that desert experiences, those times when we are away from the crowd and alone with God, are the most crucial and vital times of our lives. To be obscure in Martin's view, is a blessing, one to be savoured and sought after, rather than considered failure, a loss, or avoided.

So thanks for not reading. (ahhh! Blogger suicide) I'm not trying to discourage you if you want to read this, but I also need some space to just write and reflect. To be formed and have my mind transformed, without any interference from stupid thoughts like, "what will people think if I write that?".